My partner and I had an argument last night. We have been together for about 13 years so we have had hundreds of fights over the years. What I've found is that how we fight is much more important than what we are fighting about. I am trying to learn to listen more, to put aside my needs at times in order to attend to his needs, to speak to my feelings and needs and avoid blaming and demanding.
Still I am not always the kind of fighter I would like to be. What I notice is that there is a moment when I begin to feel disconnected from my partner. It usually goes like this...he says something that I find hurtful...my lizard brain takes over...I am in defense mode...I am determined to prove that I am not only right, but a good person, a loveable person...my needs grow so large I can no longer hear his needs...I try a variety of defensive strategies to get my needs met...I yell...I cry...I run away.
I am trying to change this pattern. Yesterday we went through the whole cycle before I was able to stop myself and hear my partner's feelings and needs. I suspect that this thing called "marriage" is an ongoing project. Someday I hope to be better at it.
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