So far this blog has been little more than a personal diary. I suspect that it is emotional, overwrought, self-indulgent. I feel the need to pause and reflect on what I am doing here. My intention was to try to make a connection between the internal processes and external behaviors that are part of a cycle of violence in my life. Perhaps I haven't made that connection as well as I would like.
I recently came to the realization that I can only cultivate nonviolence in a context of awareness. In other words, I have to be awake and aware in order to choose nonviolence as a way of life. For me, part of learning to be awake and aware is identifying my thoughts, feelings and needs.
Yesterday I was worried about my son - about the possibility that he could flunk out of college. I have a need for freedom at this point in his life, freedom from the responsibilities of parenthood. I would enjoy knowing that he is self-sufficient and no longer needs me to take care of him. He has demonstrated that in some areas of his life, but not for long and I am not trusting that he will be able to continue.
Today, I decided to focus on practicing empathy toward my son. This took the focus off of my own needs for a while. I know that my son is scared and uncertain about his ability to make it in college and in the world. He wants to have a voice and make a meaningful contribution but he is insure about how to do that. He wants to be independent. He is once again uncertain about how to negotiate our relationship as mother and son.
How can I get my needs met in my relationship with my son? How can I support him in getting his needs met? Clearly if we are each able to get our needs met we are less likely to revert to controlling (my tendency) or retreating and isolating (his tendency). These behaviors are a form of violence - something I hope to transform in my own life.
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