I have a friend who is in a lot of pain right now. So often when people share their pain with me, they tack on apologies. "I am so sorry to dump this on you...I don't want to impose..." There is no need to apologize. In fact, I am honored when someone decides to share their pain with me. It is an instant opportunity to connect. Isn't that why we're all here?
Sometimes I struggle with how to respond to a friend in pain. Should I share on the same level so that they don't feel so alone? Should I offer advice? Should I provide comfort in the form of a hug, a cup of tea or a bottle of tequila? I admit, I have often felt lost at those moments when I sit with a friend in tears.
A few years ago I went through a very painful period. I lost my job, my husband was sick and my son moved away from home. I felt lost and alone. What I needed more than anything was to just feel the pain. I needed to let it wrap itself around me like a cocoon. I didn't want comfort or proposed solutions to my various life dilemmas. I just wanted empathy. I wanted someone to sit with me and listen to my pain and let it be. Fortunately I found a really great therapist who knew how to do that (unfortunately in my experience most therapist are not prepared to do this).
I am still learning how to do this for my friends but my intention is strong. I will keep practicing. Our culture doesn't provide much training or support in this area. Wouldn't it be great if we had a custom around empathy? What if, when someone is in pain, their friends would gather to offer empathy? We could call it an Empathy Party (because that sounds so much more inviting than a pain party and I certainly don't want to have a pity party). We could all wear our pajamas to keep it comfortable. We could serve tea and chocolate cake and maybe a little tequila. Mostly we would just listen and cry together.
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