I went to a movie with my son yesterday and then out to dinner. I told him that I am worried that he will flunk out of college. He assured me that he has no such intention. Then he said that he really needs me to "back off," to give him more "emotional space." OUCH. I think my son is breaking up with me.
We talked about the specifics. I agreed to call less often, ask fewer questions, in short, give him "space." At the same time I am struggling with a variety of emotional responses. I appreciate that my son is able to make such a request of me. But I could also feel the fear creeping up on me as we talked. I have defined myself as a mom for all of my adult life. If I am not actively playing the role of mom, who am I? What will happen to the relationship between me and my son if I am not actively attending to it? Is he telling me that he doesn't value our relationship as much as I do? What does this say about me?
This is just the kind of thing that has so often caused me to act in ways I regret. Rejection. That is my hot button. Any perceived rejection is met with overwhelming sadness, often followed by anger. I strike out because I am hurt and lonely, feelings I refuse to acknowledge or attend to.
Today, I am learning to sit with these feelings. to let wash over me, teach me. So that is where I sit today. I sit with the sadness of having my son move a step away from me.
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