I got up this morning thinking about how great my life is right now. I am enjoying my relationship with my partner. I am negotiating a new, more adult relationship with my son. I have incredible friends. And I am about to finish my Ph.D. and embark on new and meaningful work. The bluebirds were just about to land on my shoulders when, WHAMMY, out of nowhere I got hit with a major attack of insecurity.
It started innocently enough with an email. A friend was asking about a class I committed to teach - a reminder that it is scheduled to start next Monday - a week from today. Only two people are signed up at this point.
I started tallying up all of my shortcomings and comparing myself to other, more competent recruiters and facilitators. Suddenly, I was back in high school. It was my sophomore year and I was the new kid (again). For the most part I maintained a low profile. I thought of myself as the invisible girl. A few weeks into the school year another new girl arrived. She seemed to be instantly popular. By spring she was elected student body president. I was still the invisible girl. I felt like such a loser. Some days I still do.
I had a little cry and let myself sit with the disappointment over my class. Then I called a friend and made a plan to regroup. Maybe tomorrow there will be bluebirds.
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