Perhaps I shouldn't publish it for the whole world to see, but my kryptonite is indifference. Ignore me and I am transformed into the Incredible Hulk (wow, two comic book references in as many sentences). I suppose this weakness was inherited from my father. He was an alcoholic and, therefore, unavailable to me in almost every way. His apparent indifference toward me was infuriating. Every so often, that rage is reignited by some new set of circumstances.
I spent much of the last two days camped outside the door of one of my professors after he sent me a critical email. I wanted to discuss his criticism. He seemingly ignored my phone messages and email so I thought that I would ambush him in the hallway. He never arrived. It appears that I will not be granted an audience with him before my "Defense" which is scheduled for tomorrow.
Oh goodie, another opportunity to deal with my unresolved childhood issues, what some people refer to as an AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity). There are several lessons I have learned over the years that I hope to apply here.
1. I must continually remind myself that my professor is not my father. His motives are a mystery to me. It is pointless to assign motives to him and act in accordance with them.
2. More important than being heard and being right is maintaining my peace of mind and my integrity. I need to continually ask myself what I need to do to live consistent with my highest self.
3. It may appear as though this person has power over me. However, his power is limited. He cannot take from me what is most precious to me.
I can choose how to respond to this situation. The role I choose to play is not limited to doormat or raving lunatic (my preferred role in the past). I face my committee in 24 hours. I am going to try to show up as a grown up. If I were a superhero my superpower would be compassion.
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