So why did I want to be a "scholar" and have an academic career anyway? I suppose this question has to be answered - a kind of post-mortem for a dream that has died. The simple answer: college professor is a good career with ample pay and excellent benefits.
I have to be honest, although I would enjoy the security, that wasn't the real hook for me. The costs are too high. You pay for these perks, often exchanging your freedoms, your very life in essence, for a paycheck and 401K. Besides, I have become accustomed to poverty. I prefer to think of it as voluntary simplicity and it is a good life.
I suppose the real reason that I wanted to be a college professor stems from my own adoration of my professors. I respected, admired and looked up to them, just like I want to be respected, admired and looked up to. It's that simple; I was looking for approval and I was willing to go to college for 11 years to get it.
One of the things I am learning is that what we seek from other people we have to first find within ourselves. If I want other people to see and hear me, I have to see and hear myself. If I want other people to admire me, I have to admire myself. If I want other people to honor me, I have to honor myself. If I want other people to love me as I am, I have to love myself as I am. This kind of radical self-love is hard work, probably harder than 11 years of college.
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