Day 103

I have tried a variety of cures for my anxiety over the years. There were pills and talk therapy; both only marginally effective. I tried prayer, new age affirmations and other spiritual remedies; the nagging obsessions and fears lingered. I have come to see that the anxiety is something I need to learn to live with. It is part of me. The best I can do is to learn to sit with it.

I try to sit in meditation for about 20 minutes a day. I have been doing this for about 2 years now. I still try to wrangle out of it at every opportunity. I argue (to myself) that I am too busy to sit just now, I'll do it later. The resistance is always there. I sometimes go for days without meditating. I can feel the tension start to rise. And yet I continue to resist.

I suppose that resisting and avoiding meditation is my way of preserving my ego. When I sit I am left with my true self; the ego dissolves. I have been working on the construction of that ego most of my life. To let it die for even a minute is frightening. At the same time, I realize that it is the only path to peace.