My son has a transition to a new college coming up. I have been anxious for him...for me...for us. This isn't his first foray out into the world but this time feels more like a pivotal shift, the beginning of a new life for him, a life that I may only play a minor role in. I find myself questioning how well I performed in my previous role as his mother. I have regrets.
I was always so busy creating a life for him, trying to shape him into the person I wanted him to be, earning a living. I forgot that he came into this world, in many ways, already fully formed. I am a sociologist at heart so it was hard for me to accept the evidence that every parent is confronted with. Our children are born with unique dispositions and personalities that we play only a small role in shaping. I wish that I had spent more time getting to know him and helping him feel comfortable expressing his unique qualities. I wish I had taken more time helping him cultivate his gifts. I wish that I had been less critical.
Regrets are useful because they point to our needs. I have a need for a more authentic connection with my son, one that extends beyond the limited boundaries of our assigned roles. I want to really know him, as he is, not as I want him to be. What does he value? What does he dream about? What are his fears? What are his triumphs? What are his regrets? I am finally ready to put my ego aside and really listen. I suspect that my son and I are embarking on a new relationship, a relationship of equals. I am excited and just a little scared.
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