I had to change the location for my dissertation defense today because of some obscure rule that I (and the members of my committee) were unaware of. It was a representative from the graduate school who informed me. I could feel the tension rising. Why are there so many rules? How can I be expected to know and follow them all? What other rules lay in wait for me, ready to snap like steal traps?
As someone who has struggled my whole life with anxiety, I have become a careful observer of how others cope with tension. I have noticed that many people retreat. They steal moments away and commune with themselves. Not me. My instinct is to kick and scream. I want to spin like a whirling dervish. I am the proverbial chicken with no head. I experience anxiety as something akin to a revving engine. I am filled with energy that needs to be expended.
I have learned that this energy can be dangerous. It often causes me to act without thinking. Breathing is the answer. I sometimes say these words from Thich Nhat Hanh to myself:
Breathing in I go back to the island of myself.
Breathing out I feel safe.
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