I am nearing the end of a very long race. I will finish the degree that I have been working toward for almost 5 years. I should be thrilled, right? Instead, every time I think about it I get a knot in my stomach.
I have been trying to sit with this knot and figure out what it is trying to tell me. I find myself doing a little cost / benefit analysis. I have invested 5 years of my life and, factoring in lost wages, tuition, etc., approximately $250,000. At this point, I am still unsure what I bought or if it has any value. Will there be a return on this investment? I'm not sure.
I am reminded of the people who invested money with Bernie Madoff. Like them, I believed a lie: that education is always a good investment, that it would make me "rich" in ways I could only imagine, that it would give me the comfort and security I longed for. I got scammed.
I feel a little foolish and a little angry. Why didn't anyone tell me the truth? I probably wouldn't have listened. I wanted to believe; I was an easy mark. Before I can move on I have to forgive myself and accept that I did the best I could with what I knew. It might be easier to forgive the Bernie Madoffs.
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