Day 50

I went to a meeting yesterday of a group of people who share an expressed interest in "saving the world." There was laughter and passionate dialogue. I left the meeting feeling energized. On the way home I stopped at a store. The young man who took my money said that I have "an enchanting smile." I am a woman who is not accustomed to compliments from strange men so I laughed like an embarrassed school girl. But I knew that he was right. I had a certain glow, different from the every day me.

That's why I continue to get together with this particular group of people. The engagement makes me feel more alive. And yet, I am always quite self-conscious at these meetings. I am trying to move from self-conscious to self-aware. It seems to me that the later implies a certain nonjudgmental detachment. That is what I am aiming for.

In these meetings there is a lot of talk about travel. Most of the members of this group have traveled extensively and are committed to social justice work in the far corners of the globe. I have never traveled outside of the United States. Whenever, the conversation turns to travel I find myself feeling less-than. Suddenly I am inferior. I feel like Clarissa Starling with her "good bag" and her "cheap shoes." I am being called out as the impostor I am. They will all know that I am just a poor little girl from the wrong side...

I begin to build my defense. Who do they think they are? They're all a bunch of hypocrites who claim a commitment to social justice but think nothing of their ever expanding carbon footprints. Don't they know that air travel is a nasty, dirty , unsustainable habit? As a homebody I have claimed the truly superior position.

These are the thoughts that hook me at moments when I am in the company of people I generally respect and admire. I am learning to let these thoughts filter through. I am learning to have compassion for myself and the pain that leads me to turn friends into enemies. I am learning to see the good in people who may not share all of my values or know my experiences.

I am learning by muddling through.