Day 39

It has been one month since I finished the first draft of my dissertation and sent it off to my committee chair. We agreed that she would have it back to me on February 8 with her comments and recommendations. I anxiously counted off the days on my calendar. February 8th came and went with no word from her. On February 9th I woke up with a knot in my stomach. Throughout the day the knot twisted and turned. Just after midnight I sent a brief email: Did I misunderstand? Is there a problem? Do we need to meet? Between the lines were other questions: Is my dissertation a piece of crap? Am I going to be fail? Have a wasted five years of my life working on this degree? Am I unworthy? Do I matter? It is now 11:20 am on February 10. The questions still hang in the balance.

Nonviolent communication is a model that can be used to deconstruct these kinds of circumstances. What happened? What am I feeling? What do I need? What requests do I need to make of myself or others? On one level it's really very simple. I am feeling frustrated because I need to know that I can count on the people on my committee to do what they say they will do. I need integrity in my relationships. On another level it is complicated by my own history and interpretations.

My dad was an alcoholic. As a girl, my life was filled with broken promises. I can remember waiting by the curb for my dad to arrive to take me off to some promised destination. He usually arrived very late, reeking of alcohol with apologies and promises about "next time." I still carry that pain with me. It is triggered by events such as the one with my committee chair. Suddenly I am 8 years old again, waiting by the curb, certain that I am not good enough.

I have spent most of my life not knowing how to deal with this pain. Today I am grateful that I can share this pain without lashing out at other people. I sometimes think that we are all "walking wounded" trying to find ways to heal ourselves and each other.