Day 38

One of the things that set me apart from my family as a child was my love of words. I was a logophile growing up in a home without books. There were seldom clean sheets of paper to write on or pencils and pens to write with. Notes were scribbled in crayon on the backs of discarded envelopes and old electric bills. I dreamed of making my home a shrine to the written word. My adult home is filled with books; there are partially used journals and notebooks everywhere and thousands of writing implements. There are words everywhere I look.

I sometimes find myself toying with a single word for months, turning it over in my mind, searching for meaning in cyberspace, using it in intimate notes that only I will read. Lately I have particularly enjoyed the company of the word transparent. In the past, I have used this word to describe something I strived for in my work as a social worker, manager and teacher. I tried to be open and honest; to reveal my intentions and motives; to make clear what I was doing and why I was doing it. Being transparent sometimes got me in trouble. I was convinced that keeping secrets was even more dangerous.

I was involved in a research project many months ago that involved interviewing a former prisoner, a man convicted of sex crimes. He talked about his life since prison and said that he was trying to be "transparent." It seemed that for him transparency was necessary if he ever hoped to overcome the painful urges that led him to victimize others.

Like the man I interviewed, I have spent much of my life living in murky waters. I could not see beneath the surface of circumstance. My reactive thoughts and feelings obscured the view. To be transparent is to see through. It is more than merely being open and honest.

My intention is to live according to the principles of nonviolence. I have come to think that violence (in all forms, whether it be self degradation, verbal and physical abuse of others or war) arises from the murky waters. So, how do we make the waters clear? How do we live a life that is transparent?

For me, this blog is a practice in transparency, a place where there are no secrets. Pretty scary stuff!