Saturday, February 13, 2010

Day 42

Like most people I have learned to sit in meetings or classes and present a facade that says: "I'm here. I'm listening." I manage to make eye contact and give the occasional nod to indicate that my attention is focused on the speaker.

In reality, there is often an internal dialogue that has little to do with the external realities. During a recent meeting I found myself captivated by this internal dialogue. The craziness started with my sharing an insight (I thought) with the group. I then looked around to see how others responded. I didn't get the affirming nods and accolades that I hoped for (obviously I thought that my insight was pretty brilliant). I found myself thinking that these people don't really appreciate me. I started thinking about how I never really feel accepted or valued in this group. WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE ME? THEY'RE JUST A BUNCH A DELUDED DIMWITS WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY BENEATH ME, SWINE UNWORTHY OF MY PEARLS OF WISDOM.

See what I mean about crazy? I just listened to the craziness inside my head. Eventually it became quiet, like an errant child after a tantrum. I few minutes later, after several sharp turns in the conversation, I felt compelled to share my gratitude for the leadership that some members had provided. Suddenly there were smiling faces turned my way. It felt radiant. I left the meeting feeling buoyed.

Sometimes I think that there isn't much distance between heaven and hell. They are both places that exist in my mind.

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