Bill and I have always shared a love of food. When we were first together I so enjoyed cooking for him. It was a way to make manifest my feelings for him. I would usually make healthy, tasty salads topped off by beautiful, decadent desserts as a way to say, "I love you." He appreciated being fed and I was fed by his appreciation. Food became a ritual in our relationship.
Then several years into the relationship Bill got sick - it was a digestive disorder that caused him to lose a big part of his intestine. The food we enjoyed together before now caused him discomfort. I didn't know how to feed him without making him sick. He was relegated to a bland, white diet that stole some of the vibrancy from our relationship.
Recently I came to see that his diet was making me sick. I need to eat food that is alive, closer to the earth, the very food that he cannot tolerate. I think that it is time to focus on feeding myself and let Bill do the same. It's hard because it means letting go of a little piece of our history; a little piece of our relationship.
Illness has a way of sneaking in like a robber and taking from us things that we never knew to be precious until they were gone. It also teaches us to let go, to relinquish our hold on that which was never really ours to keep.
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