Saturday, May 22, 2010

Day 142

My first job out of college was probably the best I ever had. I was, in essence, a community educator. I traveled from school to school providing workshops as an "expert" on topics related to substance abuse. I discovered myself as a teacher. I wasn't one to lecture; Instead, I enjoyed facilitating learning in engaging and creative ways.

It was during my 20's that I began to fantasize about doing this work in a bigger way, on a larger stage. I visualized myself writing books and traveling to conduct workshops all over the country. I dreamed big. But I was a mom and I had to earn a living; Life got in the way of my dreams. I attended to other needs: the need for an intimate relationship, the need for a place to call home, the need to lose weight (again), the need for more education. Ultimately these needs served as roadblocks, barriers to living my dream.

Now my son is grown, I have a home with a partner I am deeply connected to, and I have finished all the formal education any sane person would want (I suppose that's why they call if a terminal degree). There is no where else to hide. Oh sure, I could put my dream off a little longer, maybe long enough to lose the extra weight. But I have been thin and it didn't magically open any doors. Besides, I have been thinking that maybe the extra weight is just a way to sublimate my real desire to truly live large.

It seems that life has put me here at the freeway entrance to my dream. I can either take a deep breath and put my foot to the floor or I can stand here and panhandle.

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