Day 334

Sometimes when I am sitting I will repeat this statement: Right now I am aware that ______. I fill in the blank with whatever awareness comes to mind.

Today I was most aware of various discomforts. Right now I am aware that I am cold. Right now I am aware of a pain in my head. Right now I am aware that my stomach is growling.

I am trying to learn to accept the discomforts that I am inflicted with every minute of every day. Otherwise, I spend so much of my life energy attending to them or avoiding them.

Day 333

I just started teaching a new online class. I have a "mentor" who provides me with feedback on my interactions in the classroom. This morning she sent me an email with a strongly worded recommendation.

Frankly, it pissed me off. Fortunately, I didn't respond out of that energy. I thanked her for her feedback and then spent a little time trying to determine the source of my anger.

I find that I am generally angry when confronted with my own mistakes. I try very hard to be perfect: to follow the rules and do what is expected of me. I have a need for connection which I try to meet by gaining the approval of those in authority. When I fail my need for connection goes unmet and I get angry.

I am trying to learn that there are other ways to connect. I can get acceptance and approval without being perfect.

Day 332

I have a little sign in my office that says: Choose to Feel. It is there to remind that even (especially) my most painful feelings need to be acknowledged and honored. Sometimes it is hard to find the balance between honoring my feelings and building a shrine to them that I feel compelled to return to day after day. There is a fine line between self care and self indulgence.

For the last couple of days I have been feeling a little sad. It is easy to get caught up in tracing the etiology of the sadness. Where did it come from? What is the source? In the end, it really doesn't matter. Life is full of pain and loss; sadness is a natural consequence of living. More important than tracing the origin of my pain is giving it time and space, just letting it be.

Just like the snow outside my window it will soon melt away and I will once again be warmed by the sun.

Day 331

Bill and I rented DVDs this week of a television program called In Treatment. It's about a therapist and his patients. One after another they come in and explore the issues that brought them to therapy. It's very intimate, almost voyeuristic.

After watching several episodes yesterday I started to realize that every patient was dealing in some way with the same issue. They were each struggling with issues of separation and individuation between themselves and their parents and/or themselves and their children.

Suddenly I found myself sobbing as I realized how painful it has been for me to separate from my own child. She is in her 20's now. My job as a parent is largely over. There are no more do-overs. What it was is what it is. It's time to let go.

I remember being on the other side of this process when I was in my 20's. I moved across the country, in part to establish my own life, separate from my mother. I never thought about how painful that must have been for her. Life has a funny way of coming full circle.

Day 330

There are times in my life when the universe has spoken to me in a clear, forceful voice. There were a few times when I listened and did exactly what my intuition guided me to do. In each case, I was rewarded in ways I could not have imagined. There were other times when I ignored my inner voice because I was afraid or insecure. Each time there was a price to pay for refusing to honor my truth.

Lately that voice that I have come to recognize as Divine Inspiration has been instructing me very clearly. It speaks one word, over and over again. It says: "WRITE!"

Writing is difficult. It requires discipline and focus. It is lonely. At times, even painful. I'm not even sure I'm very good at it or that anyone outside of my small circle of friends and family will ever find value in what I write. Some days (most days) I think that I would prefer baking cookies or watching Oprah. But still that voice speaks to me and I know that right now I am supposed to write.

I have to trust that voice. Writing for me, at this point in my life, is an act of faith.

Day 329

I read this poem a few days ago. A perfect sentiment for Thanksgiving.

Thanks
By W.S. Merwin

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow for railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions.

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
looking up from tables we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in the office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

For me, it is a reminder that gratitude is a practice that can be cultivated regardless of circumstance. Perhaps it is a natural state that we strive to return to.

Day 328

It is November 24th and all I want to do is cook turkey and bake pies until the house smells like the holidays. Where did I get this idea that the holidays have a smell?

I want to artistically arrange plates and silver and stemware to create an "inviting" tablescape. This from a person who does not own a tablecloth.

I want to stand in line for sales that are "too good to pass up" and buy new electronics that I do not need.

I want to gather with family and smile just like the people in the commercials.

The mind is weak.