Kat called me yesterday. I said, "How are you doing?"
She said, "I've been a little nervous about this phone call."
"Why?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to be there for Christmas like we planned," she replied.
"Oh." I was carefully weighing my response. I was disappointed but also curious about why she was nervous to tell me this.
We talked about the obstacles that might prevent her from getting here for the holiday. Finally, we came back around to the other question. "Why were you afraid to tell me that you might not be coming?" I asked.
"I was afraid that you would pressure me to come," she said.
I know where this fear comes from. Whenever I wanted someone to do something, I used to whine and cajole and argue (logic was my favorite weapon of manipulation) until they gave in. Kat's comment made me realize how difficult that must have been for those around me. I thought that when I got someone to do what I wanted, I won. Now I see that I lost far more than I gained.
Today, I do not want anyone to do anything for me unless it meets their needs. When people give to us out of guilt, or fear or just plain exhaustion, everyone loses. Manipulation drives a wedge through the relationship that prevents real connection.
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