Day 182

I have chronic allergies and sinusitis. Yesterday, I was having a particularly annoying bout of sneezing and stuffiness when I decided have a little talk with my sinuses. The conversation went something like this:


I said: "So, what do you want? Why are you here? What are you trying to teach me?"


Much to my surprise, my sinuses replied, " I am shutting you off from the world for a little while. See how your breathing is restricted? I'm trying to tell you that sometimes you are too open. You need to remove yourself from the world once in a while - take time to be truly alone."


Hmmm. My sinuses were sounding pretty wise so I decided to take their advice. I got out my noise canceling headphones and a blindfold and planted myself in a comfortable position on the futon in my office.


Without any noise or light from the outside world, I could only hear my own Darth Vadar-like breathing. It was like being in an isolation chamber. I felt like I was floating. I stayed that way for maybe 10 minutes before I decided to return to the world.


When I did return, I could breath a little easier. Maybe my sinuses just wanted to be heard.

Day 181

I am fortunate to have some really brilliant, creative, dynamic friends. I feel honored when they share their dreams with me; I get excited about the visions they have to create beautiful spaces and connections; I want to support their art. Lately, I have found myself offering my support in a way that is new for me.

I usually say something like this: "I would enjoy supporting you and your work. Please let me know what I can do to be supportive." I never used to do this because I was afraid of being taken advantage of...I was afraid of invoking suspicion in others....I was afraid...

My fear kept me from one of the most basic pleasures in life, the pleasure derived from contributing to the lives of others in meaningful ways. I suspect that on some level we are here to serve each other. What would the world be like if we offered ourselves in service to the world without fear or apology?

Day 180

One of my favorite movies is What About Bob? with Bill Murray. The uptight psychiatrist tells the incredibly neurotic Bob to "take a vacation" from his problems.

Summertime always makes me think about vacation although I haven't taken many in my life. Mostly, I haven't felt the need, or more accurately the need has not been pressing enough to warrant the expense.

I am fond of mini-vacations: going out to lunch with friends, sitting on my patio with a book, daydreaming...There are opportunities every day to take a vacation from my problems, even if only for a moment.

Day 179

When I was a teenager and young adult one of my primary goals in life was to turn other people to my will. I would plead and threaten and cajole to get the people in my life to do what I wanted them to do. I didn't think much about the consequences.

Oh, yes, there were consequences. When people are manipulated into doing things that they do not want to do, they usually become angry and resentful. This resentment can fester and grow only to be revealed weeks, months or years later. The manipulator pays the price.

I have paid for my manipulations on more than one occasion and I have finally wised up. Now, I never want people to give me more than they want to. Please do not sacrifice your own needs and desires for mine. Do not put me and my needs first. If you take care of you and I take care of me, we all get taken care of.

Day 178

I'm not a Christian in the traditional sense: I don't go to church or read the Bible but that doesn't stop me from observing the sabbath. I just seems like a good idea to take a day to rest.

It's not that I don't do anything; it's that I don't do anything I don't want to do. Sometimes I condition my hair, somethings I read a book, somethings I cook, sometimes I do all of the above. I try to minimize or ignore obligations. There are few things that can't be pushed into next week.

Before the day is over, I like to spend a little time thinking about the coming week - I imagine it spread out before me, a blanket of opportunity. I wonder if that's what God had in mind when she decided to rest after creating the earth and sky.

Day 177

I finally joined Facebook and I am trying to develop a Facebook page. It all sort of makes me feel like I am back in junior high. My mom told me she has over 100 friends. I only have one and it's her. I never had a lot of friends in school. I blamed the fact that I was never in the same school for more than 1 year but secretly feared that it was something else...something missing...something wrong...

I never really tried to fit in. I was a drama geek who wore long skirts, black tights and flats. I still can't identify the latest fashion. Just last week I started noticing the initials DG stamped every wear on sunglasses and t-shirts. I let my imagination run wild but never did unlock the code. I am obviously out of the loop. I am not one of the cool kids and I suspect I never will be.

Does anyone ever really graduate from junior high or do we just keep reliving it? Maybe the desire to be popular, to rise to the top of the social ladder, is built into our DNA. But we can't all be star quarterbacks and head cheerleaders. Perhaps real success comes from learning to be ourselves. I'm still working on it...

Day 176

We had scarcely said, "Good morning" before Bill and I were locked in debate over the relative merits of logic as a tool in argumentation. Bill, clinging to modernist roots was not swayed by my post-modern assertions. I can hear the yawns as I write this. Certainly many people would not enjoy the discussion of esoteric ideas the way we do but it is one of the hallmarks of our relationship.

I have always loved ideas. I love to hold hold them up to the light, turn them around to examine every side, and lob them across the net in a volley of discussion. Unfortunately, for much of my life, I used them as weapons. Sometimes I would defeat my enemy through skillful rhetorical jabs. Other times I was mortally wounded in verbal fencing matches.

I made the mistake of thinking that I was my ideas and my ideas were me. I tried to gain acceptance and respect by selling others on the merits of my worldview. Validation (or was it love) was the prize at stake in every round of debate. I used ideas to build walls instead of bridges.

Today, I am learning to debate recreationally, not as a dual to the death. I am learning to listen more and hold on loosely to my beliefs. Beliefs, after all are like soap bubbles created by our minds. They are fun to look at but seldom hold any real substance.