Letting go is a hard thing to do. It is especially hard to let go of a dream. I generally hold onto my dreams with my whole being, as if my life depends on not letting go. I suppose it does. My ego gets all caught up in the idea of accomplishing what I dream of. But dreams do die and there is a time for letting go.
I dreamed of being a college professor. It was a dream that grew out of a love of books and ideas and heady dialogue and old stone buildings and sleepy college towns. It was a dream that grew out of my desire to inspire and facilitate transformative change. It was a dream that was tied to my longing for security in the form of tenure and a dusty book-filled office. It was a dream that was nourished by confidence in my ability to connect with students and provoke new thought. I play this dream in my mind like a treasured home movie that I have seen a million times. It still moves me to tears.
I have come to realize that I will likely never be cast as the lead in this movie I've been directing. My dream can never be a reality, in part because the Ivy Tower I imagined doesn't really exist. Perhaps it never did. Being a college professor is mostly about the politics of committees, survival publishing and the reproduction of standard paradigms. There is little room for meaningful interaction between students and teachers, let alone critical thinking and innovation. I am simple unwilling and unable to sacrifice my dream for the facade that higher education has become.
It is time to lay this dream to rest. It has been on life support for years now. Every so often there is a small flicker of life: I really connect with a student or meet a professor who appears to be living my dream. I want to revive the dream and keep it alive. I know that I have to stop fooling myself. It is time to let go.
I would like to find a way to let this dream die gracefully. No clinging. No anger. No bitterness. Just acceptance. I know that there is no room for new dreams until I have put this one to rest.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 56
I went to a conference yesterday for a few hours. It started on Thursday and ended today but I find that I generally can't tolerate these kinds of events for that long. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of interesting people there and the dialogue was engaging. What I find intolerable is the role playing, the performances that get in the way of authentic connection.
I found myself thinking about Shakespeare's famous quote: All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. That guy had a way with words.
The conference was a stage, an opportunity for those in attendance to play the role of "academic." This kind of performance keeps us from experiencing each moment and expressing ourselves in response to each moment.
Like most people I have spent most of my life playing roles: daughter, wife, mother, employee, student. These roles are not me. In order to experience my true self and live an authentic life I have to be willing to abandon these roles. I have to be willing to put down the scripts and abandon the stage. I have to be willing to face others not as players but as thinking, feeling human beings.
Then again, maybe Shakespeare had it all wrong...
I found myself thinking about Shakespeare's famous quote: All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. That guy had a way with words.
The conference was a stage, an opportunity for those in attendance to play the role of "academic." This kind of performance keeps us from experiencing each moment and expressing ourselves in response to each moment.
Like most people I have spent most of my life playing roles: daughter, wife, mother, employee, student. These roles are not me. In order to experience my true self and live an authentic life I have to be willing to abandon these roles. I have to be willing to put down the scripts and abandon the stage. I have to be willing to face others not as players but as thinking, feeling human beings.
Then again, maybe Shakespeare had it all wrong...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 55
Nothing pisses me off more than broken promises. It is hard for me to maintain relationships with people who do not honor their commitments. I am a harsh judge when it comes to integrity and honesty.
So, why do I keep breaking promises to myself?
I have recommitted myself to eating better and losing weight at least a hundred times over the last few years. I am really disgusted with my lack of integrity and honesty. I would like to break up with myself. Unfortunately I am stuck with my betrayer.
Lately, I have started to ask some really hard questions:
Do I really want to lose weight?
What is standing in the way?
Can I forgive myself and accept myself as I am?
Why do I insist on continuing this cycle of self-abuse?
How can I maintain my integrity in spite of my weight?
Mostly, I would like to make peace with myself. Maybe that means making peace with being fat.
So, why do I keep breaking promises to myself?
I have recommitted myself to eating better and losing weight at least a hundred times over the last few years. I am really disgusted with my lack of integrity and honesty. I would like to break up with myself. Unfortunately I am stuck with my betrayer.
Lately, I have started to ask some really hard questions:
Do I really want to lose weight?
What is standing in the way?
Can I forgive myself and accept myself as I am?
Why do I insist on continuing this cycle of self-abuse?
How can I maintain my integrity in spite of my weight?
Mostly, I would like to make peace with myself. Maybe that means making peace with being fat.
Day 54
I find myself in conflict with my adviser over my dissertation. She thinks that certain changes need to be made. I don't deny that there is room for improvement but I disagree with her recommendations. What now?
I am a trained mediator and I am trying to wear my mediator hat in this situation. Of course, it is always easier to mediate other people's conflicts. I recognize that I am by no means neutral and impartial. Still there are lessons from mediation that can be applied here.
Here's the plan:
1. Get clarification. I need to make sure that I understand what she is asking me to do and why she is asking me to do it.
2. I need to clearly articulate my own needs.
3. I need to look for common ground.
4. I need to find win-win solutions to our disagreements. The goal is to create an agreement that meets my needs as well as hers, an agreement we both feel good about.
One important lesson I've learned through mediation is that people often have a need to "save face." We each have a certain image of ourselves that needs to be protected. It's pure ego stuff. However, if, as a mediator, I fail to provide the opportunity for individuals to preserve this image, the mediation will often fail.
I have all this in mind as I prepare to meet with my adviser tomorrow. Funny, my dissertation somehow seems secondary. The really important lessons always seem to be about the relationships.
I am a trained mediator and I am trying to wear my mediator hat in this situation. Of course, it is always easier to mediate other people's conflicts. I recognize that I am by no means neutral and impartial. Still there are lessons from mediation that can be applied here.
Here's the plan:
1. Get clarification. I need to make sure that I understand what she is asking me to do and why she is asking me to do it.
2. I need to clearly articulate my own needs.
3. I need to look for common ground.
4. I need to find win-win solutions to our disagreements. The goal is to create an agreement that meets my needs as well as hers, an agreement we both feel good about.
One important lesson I've learned through mediation is that people often have a need to "save face." We each have a certain image of ourselves that needs to be protected. It's pure ego stuff. However, if, as a mediator, I fail to provide the opportunity for individuals to preserve this image, the mediation will often fail.
I have all this in mind as I prepare to meet with my adviser tomorrow. Funny, my dissertation somehow seems secondary. The really important lessons always seem to be about the relationships.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 53
I love Google. Today I actually looked up the phrase "bend over and take it." Fourteen million hits and it's in the urban dictionary - amazing. I looked it up because I got advice from a couple of people today that seemed to suggest that I have no other choice.
It has been suggested that a PhD program is a "hazing process." I have spent 4 1/2 years working on a degree that appears to have little value in terms of social status and even less monetary value, not to mention the 1000's of dollars in tuition and lost wages. I have been working on my dissertation for almost two years. But now the games really begin. If I understand the process correctly, my committee is charged with presenting a series of hoops that I must jump through before I can grab the brass ring. Sorry for the mixed metaphor but I'm not sure if it is a merry-go-round or a circus.
Anyway, I have been advised to bend over and, well you know. I am convinced that there has to be another way. What if I shared with my advisers how powerless I am feeling in this process? What if I told them that in many ways this piece of writing is my baby and asked them to be gentle? What if I asked them what they really need from me and suggested that we dispense with the game playing? What if I was honest and told them that I really don't need anything else from them - that it is time to give me the damn degree and let me go? What if I refused to participate in the hazing process?
This might just prove to be a real education...
It has been suggested that a PhD program is a "hazing process." I have spent 4 1/2 years working on a degree that appears to have little value in terms of social status and even less monetary value, not to mention the 1000's of dollars in tuition and lost wages. I have been working on my dissertation for almost two years. But now the games really begin. If I understand the process correctly, my committee is charged with presenting a series of hoops that I must jump through before I can grab the brass ring. Sorry for the mixed metaphor but I'm not sure if it is a merry-go-round or a circus.
Anyway, I have been advised to bend over and, well you know. I am convinced that there has to be another way. What if I shared with my advisers how powerless I am feeling in this process? What if I told them that in many ways this piece of writing is my baby and asked them to be gentle? What if I asked them what they really need from me and suggested that we dispense with the game playing? What if I was honest and told them that I really don't need anything else from them - that it is time to give me the damn degree and let me go? What if I refused to participate in the hazing process?
This might just prove to be a real education...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 52
Bill has a bumper sticker that reads: Don't believe everything you think. Good advice. I would add a caveat: Be especially cautious of thoughts that wake you up at 3:00 a.m. Thoughts that occur when we are tired, hungry, angry or depressed are especially suspect. So why is that these thoughts sound so authoritative and sure?
The particular stream of thought that woke me this morning at 3:00 sounded something like this: That dissertation you've been working on is pure nonsense. The last two years have been a total mind fuck. You will probably be laughed out of the conference you are scheduled to present at later in the week, that is if you can manage to get it together to present. LOSER!
I know, the gremlins in my head are brutal. I have been struggling all day to recover from this self-inflicted mental beating. Needless to say, I didn't get much work done on that presentation that I am scheduled to make on Friday.
I have one more day left to get this presentation together. I have often found at times like this, when I get myself backed in a corner, that the best strategy is to give up, surrender, quit trying. Sometimes just sitting with the frustration and fear gives it room to rise and dissipate, like smoke that has clouded my vision. Sitting helps me prepare myself for beginning again. Isn't that what life is all about?
The particular stream of thought that woke me this morning at 3:00 sounded something like this: That dissertation you've been working on is pure nonsense. The last two years have been a total mind fuck. You will probably be laughed out of the conference you are scheduled to present at later in the week, that is if you can manage to get it together to present. LOSER!
I know, the gremlins in my head are brutal. I have been struggling all day to recover from this self-inflicted mental beating. Needless to say, I didn't get much work done on that presentation that I am scheduled to make on Friday.
I have one more day left to get this presentation together. I have often found at times like this, when I get myself backed in a corner, that the best strategy is to give up, surrender, quit trying. Sometimes just sitting with the frustration and fear gives it room to rise and dissipate, like smoke that has clouded my vision. Sitting helps me prepare myself for beginning again. Isn't that what life is all about?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 51
The ego is like a brick wall that stands between us and other people. It is made of "I am" blocks:
I am smart
I am funny
I am fat/thin/tall/short
I am pretty/ugly
I am a good writer
I am a terrible skier
It is easy to see how the wall can easily get too high to peer over. Authentic connection is impossible for people who are standing on either side of a brick wall, let alone two brick walls.
Some relationships exist to serve as mortar for the "I am" bricks that make up our ego. I associate with certain people because they remind me that I am funny, smart, pretty, etc. They confirm my perception of self. In turn, I do the same for them. That is the social contract. But I have to ask: Does it help me live more authentically in the moment? Does it nourish my soul?
It is possible to chip away at the mortar and poke holes in the brick walls of our egos. I have seen it done. It's scary. What if the whole wall comes tumbling down? Who will I be then?
I am smart
I am funny
I am fat/thin/tall/short
I am pretty/ugly
I am a good writer
I am a terrible skier
It is easy to see how the wall can easily get too high to peer over. Authentic connection is impossible for people who are standing on either side of a brick wall, let alone two brick walls.
Some relationships exist to serve as mortar for the "I am" bricks that make up our ego. I associate with certain people because they remind me that I am funny, smart, pretty, etc. They confirm my perception of self. In turn, I do the same for them. That is the social contract. But I have to ask: Does it help me live more authentically in the moment? Does it nourish my soul?
It is possible to chip away at the mortar and poke holes in the brick walls of our egos. I have seen it done. It's scary. What if the whole wall comes tumbling down? Who will I be then?
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