Day 231

I have suffered with chronic sinus infections for years. A few weeks ago I read something about autoimmune disorders which cause the body to attack itself. The body, or at least parts of the body are inflamed. Sinus problems like mine are one example.

I have tried to unlock the mystery of this illness for years. What caused it? How can it be cured? Suddenly the key turned, the tumblers clicked into place. My body is inflamed. My body is attacking itself. It is a wake up call. I need to take better care of myself, particularly when it comes to diet. Suddenly I was ready to make the changes necessary to heal.

I wanted to heal before but I wasn't ready to make the needed changes. A desire for healing is almost never enough - I have to be willing to invest in my healing. Perhaps I wasn't willing to do that until I was absolutely convinced that there was no other way. I almost always prefer a quick fix or miracle cure to good old fashioned hard work.

Day 230

I just got home from a two week trip to visit my family. I enjoyed my time with them but I am glad to be home. Bill and I went to the Co-Op this afternoon and talked philosophy while we ate salad and chocolate. On the way home I noticed the sun setting on Moscow Mountain in the distance. Life doesn't get much better...

Day 229

A few days ago, in church, the minister encouraged the congregation to love without limits, the way Jesus did. She told a story about a member of the congregation who worked in a prison. There was a prisoner who was very difficult, a real grouch. She decided to bombard him with kindness. In a very short time she saw an amazing transformation in this man. The minister's point being that we can change the world with kindness and compassion.

I found several aspects of her story unsettling. First, was the implication that love always looks the same. Love isn't always hugs and kisses, rainbows and sunshine. To love someone, in my opinion, means that I give them what they need. If someone is pushing me away by their actions, perhaps I should respect their wish for space and privacy. Second, was the assumption that I can or should change others. It is not my place to change the behavior of other people. To behave in a certain way with the expectation that others will change is not only manipulative, it is also a path to frustration.

As for me, I choose kindness and compassion because of the impact it has on my heart and I know that kindness and compassion sometimes come disguised as indifference or a kick in the pants.

Day 228

Yesterday I went to a church that I used to attend years ago. It is a "new thought" church with a charismatic minister. There was a lot of exuberant singing and swaying and dramatic exaltations with hands raised toward heaven. There were lots of words said in praise.

I used to find this sort of thing uplifting. The words were a comfort to me. Now I find that I appreciate the silence much more than any words. As I was sitting there in this beautiful chapel, I longed to simply breath and experience the moment. I wanted to shush the minister.

It is tempting to think that this is progress. I know that is my ego talking. The change in me merely reflects different circumstances. Perhaps some day I will find myself back in that chapel and I will find that the words suit my needs perfectly. I will be no closer to enlightenment nor any further away.

Day 227

My aunt works as a nanny for a very wealthy family. A few days ago she took us on a tour of their home, including the 11 bedrooms and 11 baths, swimming pool, elevator, sauna, exercise room, theatre, full-time housekeeper, personal chef, maintenance man, gardener and driver for the limousine which was accompanied in the driveway by a Cadillac, a Lexus and a Mercedes. I found myself asking: What did they do to deserve all this?

It is a silly question, of course, implying that we each get what we deserve, that privilege is doled out according to merit. It is an idea that is deeply ingrained in our culture. We want to believe that life is fair. When someone does something we judge to be wrong we think: He'll get what's coming to him. When something good happens to us we think: I deserve this.

Yet we see evidence to the contrary all the time. Bad things happen to good people everyday. We don't get what we deserve. We get what we get. Peace seems to lie in accepting what we get and releasing it when it is time to let go.

Day 226

Every family has its stories. Uncle Bill is crazy. Aunt Sybil is a saint. We each try to figure out where we fit in the story of our family. Am I the responsible one, the smart one, the funny one? Do they appreciate me, love me, fear me, pity me? We define ourselves and our families by the stories we tell.

Sometimes I need to take a step back and see the stories for what they are. Just because I was raised on them, repeated them and lived by them, doesn't mean they are true. They are mythology. They do shape us but they can also be challenged.

I can make a new choice. I do not have to continue to feed my animosity and pain with these stories. I can change our story by seeing it from a new perspective. I can look at my family through a new lens. I can recast myself in the family drama by being present in the here and now.

Day 225

There are some people in my family who are...well, let's just say difficult. I have an uncle who is a fox-news-watching, tea-party-rallying, Sarah-Palin-loving republican (gasp!). He likes to assert his opinions as fact and pick fights with the more liberal members of the family (namely my mother).

I suspect that what he really wants is to connect on some level. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to do that. He reminds me of the schoolyard bully who doesn't know how to make friends. Try putting your arm around the bully and giving him the affection he so desperately needs and you are likely to get punched in the nose.

It is difficult to practice compassion with people who are not prepared to receive our empathy. Sometimes the best we can do is to accept them as they are and take care of ourselves.