Day 224

Occasionally I get an opportunity to see a little progress in my emotional life. Recently someone close to me was expressing a sense of powerlessness. She identified herself as the victim in a particular situation. She felt that she had to do what she had always done and was certain that she would always get what she had always gotten.

I realized as I reflected on this that I seldom identify myself as a victim any longer. I always (ALWAYS!) have a choice. Today when I was feeling frustrated by the actions of those around me I had a choice. I took a time-out and attended to my needs. It is up to me to stop telling myself stories that cast me as the victim and others as the perpetrators.

Day 223

A few days ago, my aunt came to dinner at my mom's. She brought her 6 year old granddaughter with her. When we sat down to dinner, the little girl asked, "Can we say grace?" My aunt said to the little girl, "Well, you need to ask Jim, he's the head of the household."

Hearing this made me cringe. I have always resisted hierarchies, particularly when people are ranked based on race, class or gender. Sometimes I suspect that my resistance is part of the problem. Still I am unsure how to respond.

I long for a world where all life is valued as sacred, where our unity is acknowledged and power is shared. That is not the world we live in. Perhaps peace lies in accepting what is without resistance while simultaneously visioning and experiencing new ways of being.

Day 222

I had a nightmare last night. In it I had a JOB, working for the state. The inane rules and unspoken expectations were driving me crazy. I didn't know how to cope.

When I woke up this morning at my mom's, the television was turned to Good Morning America. The lead story was about a flight attendant who went berserk. As the plane taxied, he cursed the passengers on the intercom, grabbed a couple of beers from the plane's refrigerator, released the emergency chute and escaped, leaving the passengers and his job behind.

Perhaps the universe is speaking to me.

Day 221

I value openness and honesty, some might say to a fault. I openly share my thoughts and feelings with my friends and family, whether or not they want to hear.

Is honesty really the best policy, always? What if my sharing serves no valid purpose? What if what I have to share causes pain for someone else?

Truth has often been described as a sword. Perhaps we need to wield it with care.

Day 220

One of the things that I have learned as a mediator is that everyone has "hot buttons" and usually those closest to us, our friends and family, know what they are and routinely push them.

One of my hot buttons is behavior that I perceive as inequitable, particularly when men are treated with an elevated status by virtue of their sex. I learned early that the needs of the men came before my own. They had to be handled with care because they have fragile egos.

Yesterday I was riding in the backseat of the car with the windows down, the wind whipping my hair in my face. My stepfather was driving and I wanted to ask him to roll up the window but I couldn't.

Where did I learn that I am not allowed to ask for what I need? Where did this fear of "rocking the boat" come from? When did the anger first start to fester into a painful boil? Why does being with certain members of my family continue to tap into this pain?

Day 219

At my parents' house the television is turned on first thing in the morning, the channel most often set to a war movie or hunting show. I find this unsettling. At times I have interpreted it as a personal affront. In reality, everyone here is just trying to get their needs met. Their needs are probably very similar to my own. They simply have different strategies for meeting them.

I can choose to see the television as an opportunity to practice maintaining my tranquility and peace of mind in spite of my surroundings and circumstances. I read something about this once written by the Dalai Lama. He talked about how he maintains his own peace of mind in spite of the way his people have been treated by the Chinese government. He acknowledged that if he had a "regular" life there would likely be other, more mundane aspects of his life that would be unsettling. He said, "If I had a job, I would probably get fired."

So I ask myself, "What would the Dalai Lama do?" No doubt he would breath and allow compassion to settle on the situation. I'm not the Dalai Lama, but I'm trying.

Day 218

I heard someone say recently that we are each essentially that which we inherited from our parents combined with all that we have tried to do to differentiate ourselves from them.

Being with my family is like looking in the mirror. Sometimes the angle and view is flattering; other times, not so much.