Every so often I think I should ask myself if there is something I haven't done for a long time that I might enjoy doing.
Today I went to the public swimming pool. Pools have changed a lot since I was a kid. They have water slides, something called a "lazy river," and a beach area with lounge chairs and umbrellas. We were happy with a plain old concrete pond in my day.
It was fun to sit in the sun and splash around in the water. Mostly I enjoyed watching the people. It's great to see that not everyone looks like Kim Kardasian in a swimsuit - in fact I didn't see a single person who looked they came off the cover of Sports Illustrated.
I had a good time. Next time I am going to try the slide.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Day 209
Do you ever feel like you might have multiple personality disorder? OK, maybe it's just me. For most of my life I have alternated between the nice girl and THE BITCH.
The nice girl smiles and coos and laughs at jokes that she doesn't really find funny. She follows the rules and seeks approval from anyone and everyone. She works hard without promise of reward. She ignores her own needs in favor of the needs of others.
THE BITCH, on the other hand is a raving lunatic. She is Joan Jett on steroids. She yells and rants and swears like a sailor. She may even strike out physically if provoked; Tables are overturned and dishes fly in the wake of her wrath.
THE BITCH emerges in a predictable pattern to protect and defend the nice girl. Her goal is to keep the nice girl from being pushed around too much.
I've been thinking about developing a third personalty. I think I might call her The Bold One. The Bold One is calm and assertive. She stands up for her own needs and doesn't feed the rage. She invites the nice girl and THE BITCH over for tea and empathizes with them but never relinquishes her role as hostess.
The nice girl smiles and coos and laughs at jokes that she doesn't really find funny. She follows the rules and seeks approval from anyone and everyone. She works hard without promise of reward. She ignores her own needs in favor of the needs of others.
THE BITCH, on the other hand is a raving lunatic. She is Joan Jett on steroids. She yells and rants and swears like a sailor. She may even strike out physically if provoked; Tables are overturned and dishes fly in the wake of her wrath.
THE BITCH emerges in a predictable pattern to protect and defend the nice girl. Her goal is to keep the nice girl from being pushed around too much.
I've been thinking about developing a third personalty. I think I might call her The Bold One. The Bold One is calm and assertive. She stands up for her own needs and doesn't feed the rage. She invites the nice girl and THE BITCH over for tea and empathizes with them but never relinquishes her role as hostess.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Day 208
My mom says that I was born bossy. I used to play "school" with my little brother. As the teacher, I would command him to sit in his seat and do his work. I ruled my imaginary classroom with an iron fist.
Somewhere along the way in my work life I learned that it takes more to succeed than a plan and a loud voice. I worked hard to learn the skills of collaboration. I learned to listen and implement strategies that reflect the values and ideas of a workgroup or community.
I was proud of my ability to successfully partner. I even won accolades for my ability to facilitate partnership. Over time I came to rely on my skill as a collaborator. I became less confident in my ability to act independently, to lead.
Now I find myself coming full circle. I am becoming increasingly impatient with collaborative projects. I feel the need to strike out on my own, to focus on my own goals and objectives. I want to take charge and lead the way for myself. I think it is time to channel that bossy little girl again.
Somewhere along the way in my work life I learned that it takes more to succeed than a plan and a loud voice. I worked hard to learn the skills of collaboration. I learned to listen and implement strategies that reflect the values and ideas of a workgroup or community.
I was proud of my ability to successfully partner. I even won accolades for my ability to facilitate partnership. Over time I came to rely on my skill as a collaborator. I became less confident in my ability to act independently, to lead.
Now I find myself coming full circle. I am becoming increasingly impatient with collaborative projects. I feel the need to strike out on my own, to focus on my own goals and objectives. I want to take charge and lead the way for myself. I think it is time to channel that bossy little girl again.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Day 207
My son used a phrase a few days ago that made me laugh out loud. He was telling me about an online conversation he had with a friend. He said, "I'm afraid that I let all of my crazy out at once."
I can relate to that. Some days all of my crazy bands together and sneaks up on me. It demands a voice. It makes me do strange things. It wants to wail and strike out; it wants to break things. I try to remain calm by assuring myself that it's probably hormonal and that very few people are institutionalized these days.
These days I am trying to learn to listen to the crazy. Underneath the fear and pain and rage is the need to be nurtured and cared for and loved. I am learning to do that for myself and to let the crazy out a little at a time.
I can relate to that. Some days all of my crazy bands together and sneaks up on me. It demands a voice. It makes me do strange things. It wants to wail and strike out; it wants to break things. I try to remain calm by assuring myself that it's probably hormonal and that very few people are institutionalized these days.
These days I am trying to learn to listen to the crazy. Underneath the fear and pain and rage is the need to be nurtured and cared for and loved. I am learning to do that for myself and to let the crazy out a little at a time.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 206
I was raised by women: generous, strong, capable women. The men were peripheral. Very often they were broken, in need of special care. I learned at a young age that we must tiptoe around them, taking care not awaken their rage.
I was attracted to my partner in part because he was the first man I ever really knew who did not need to be taken care of. He was 50 when we met, never married. He could do his own laundry and run a vacuum. He could even bake a loaf of bread if he desired one. I found a relationship with him immensely inviting.
I long for equality between men and women. I recognize that it starts with our most intimate relationships. We, as women, have to stop taking care of men. We have to stop treating them as if they are helpless and fragile. We have to demand more from them. Even more importantly, we have to start taking care of ourselves.
I was attracted to my partner in part because he was the first man I ever really knew who did not need to be taken care of. He was 50 when we met, never married. He could do his own laundry and run a vacuum. He could even bake a loaf of bread if he desired one. I found a relationship with him immensely inviting.
I long for equality between men and women. I recognize that it starts with our most intimate relationships. We, as women, have to stop taking care of men. We have to stop treating them as if they are helpless and fragile. We have to demand more from them. Even more importantly, we have to start taking care of ourselves.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Day 205
I have never been a quitter. But I think I can learn. Some things are worth quiting: meaningless or painful relationships, dead-end jobs, clubs and organizations that waste our time and fail to meet our needs...
Unfortunately, I have this pattern that keeps me from productively quitting.
1. I observe a problem, sometimes it's a big one.
2. I come up with a plan for fixing it (confident that I can fix anything if I set my mind to it).
3. I communicate my plan to other members of the group.
4. They nod politely and pat me on the head. Sometimes they even placate me with agreement. We're on the same page, for a moment. Everyone is happy.
5. We continue to behave in the same ways; the problem persists.
6. I repeat my concerns, only louder this time.
You see where I am going with this.
Laying my behavior out in this way helps me to see some of the problems with the process. First, it is a little me focused. I usually think that I have the answer that the group needs. What I fail to consider is that the group is likely meeting the needs of other members or they wouldn't be there. Certainly, I have a right (and obligation to myself) to communicate my observations and make requests consistent with my needs. However, if others choose not to respond, it's time to hit the road.
So long, farewell, alvederzane, good night...
Unfortunately, I have this pattern that keeps me from productively quitting.
1. I observe a problem, sometimes it's a big one.
2. I come up with a plan for fixing it (confident that I can fix anything if I set my mind to it).
3. I communicate my plan to other members of the group.
4. They nod politely and pat me on the head. Sometimes they even placate me with agreement. We're on the same page, for a moment. Everyone is happy.
5. We continue to behave in the same ways; the problem persists.
6. I repeat my concerns, only louder this time.
You see where I am going with this.
Laying my behavior out in this way helps me to see some of the problems with the process. First, it is a little me focused. I usually think that I have the answer that the group needs. What I fail to consider is that the group is likely meeting the needs of other members or they wouldn't be there. Certainly, I have a right (and obligation to myself) to communicate my observations and make requests consistent with my needs. However, if others choose not to respond, it's time to hit the road.
So long, farewell, alvederzane, good night...
Friday, July 23, 2010
Day 204
Do you ever wake up in the morning and immediately begin an argument...with yourself? That's what happened to me today. Not only is there a part of me that is feeling argumentative, this little gremlin is downright mean.
She reminds me of how foolish I acted in a recent social situation. She points out patterns and insists that I "never learn." She compares me to others, always unfavorably. I try to wrestle her into submission, but it seems the more I fight, the stronger she gets.
She picks fights when what she really needs is nurturing. I invite her to climb up on my lap so I can hold her close and rock her gently. I whisper, "There, there, I see you. I know you are hurting. I won't desert you." Finally she is quiet.
She reminds me of how foolish I acted in a recent social situation. She points out patterns and insists that I "never learn." She compares me to others, always unfavorably. I try to wrestle her into submission, but it seems the more I fight, the stronger she gets.
She picks fights when what she really needs is nurturing. I invite her to climb up on my lap so I can hold her close and rock her gently. I whisper, "There, there, I see you. I know you are hurting. I won't desert you." Finally she is quiet.
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