Sometimes we find wisdom in the most unlikely places. A few years ago I walked into the bathroom at the Green Frog, a coffee shop in Palouse, Washington. There, hanging on the wall beside the toilet, was a small, framed wall hanging, not unlike an old time cross stitch. It said:
They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I say that what doesn't kill you messes you up for a really long time and you're lucky to get it together ever again.
I laughed until I cried. The sarcastic edge of that little piece of poetry so captured what I was feeling at the time. It was a dark time for me, my "dark night of the soul." I scrambled for a scrape of paper and jotted down the words of wisdom before I left the Green Frog. These words have been taped to my desk since, a reminder of where I've been.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 103
I have tried a variety of cures for my anxiety over the years. There were pills and talk therapy; both only marginally effective. I tried prayer, new age affirmations and other spiritual remedies; the nagging obsessions and fears lingered. I have come to see that the anxiety is something I need to learn to live with. It is part of me. The best I can do is to learn to sit with it.
I try to sit in meditation for about 20 minutes a day. I have been doing this for about 2 years now. I still try to wrangle out of it at every opportunity. I argue (to myself) that I am too busy to sit just now, I'll do it later. The resistance is always there. I sometimes go for days without meditating. I can feel the tension start to rise. And yet I continue to resist.
I suppose that resisting and avoiding meditation is my way of preserving my ego. When I sit I am left with my true self; the ego dissolves. I have been working on the construction of that ego most of my life. To let it die for even a minute is frightening. At the same time, I realize that it is the only path to peace.
I try to sit in meditation for about 20 minutes a day. I have been doing this for about 2 years now. I still try to wrangle out of it at every opportunity. I argue (to myself) that I am too busy to sit just now, I'll do it later. The resistance is always there. I sometimes go for days without meditating. I can feel the tension start to rise. And yet I continue to resist.
I suppose that resisting and avoiding meditation is my way of preserving my ego. When I sit I am left with my true self; the ego dissolves. I have been working on the construction of that ego most of my life. To let it die for even a minute is frightening. At the same time, I realize that it is the only path to peace.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Day 102
I have a bulletin board in my home office. On it is a bumper sticker that reads: Choose to Feel. I have been working on that for a few years now. It may seem that like feeling is as natural as breathing but for some of us it becomes second nature to avoid our feelings.
For me there was unresolved grief that threatened to overwhelm me if I allowed myself to really feel it. I developed lots of avoidance strategies. I became the girl with the perpetual smile. The problem with this kind of emotional detachment is that it takes us out of the present moment. We become so dissociated that we are denied not just the pain, but also the joy.
Yesterday I was in my kitchen, cooking and listening to the radio. All of my senses were engaged and I felt safe and secure and serene. It was one of those rare moments of bliss when my mind and body were synchronized. Those moments remind me why I choose to feel.
For me there was unresolved grief that threatened to overwhelm me if I allowed myself to really feel it. I developed lots of avoidance strategies. I became the girl with the perpetual smile. The problem with this kind of emotional detachment is that it takes us out of the present moment. We become so dissociated that we are denied not just the pain, but also the joy.
Yesterday I was in my kitchen, cooking and listening to the radio. All of my senses were engaged and I felt safe and secure and serene. It was one of those rare moments of bliss when my mind and body were synchronized. Those moments remind me why I choose to feel.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day 99
A friend called me today. She defended her dissertation on the same day I did. She wanted to share how well it went for her. Her committee offered abundant praise and suggested that they want to nominate her dissertation for a variety of awards. I was happy for her (no, really I was). But I was also a little jealous.
If anyone is going to be receiving any award I think it should be me. I want to go on the record as saying that I think that we should each be honored for the unique contributions we make to the world. However, if trophies are being handed out I want the biggest one. I often find myself competing in races I never even intended to enter.
It takes a conscious effort to stop competing. Sitting with my jealousy allows me to see my own neglected need to have the value of my work recognized by others. Perhaps on a deeper level I need to value my own work. When we have a genuine sense of pride and accomplishment we are more capable of celebrating the accomplishments of others.
If anyone is going to be receiving any award I think it should be me. I want to go on the record as saying that I think that we should each be honored for the unique contributions we make to the world. However, if trophies are being handed out I want the biggest one. I often find myself competing in races I never even intended to enter.
It takes a conscious effort to stop competing. Sitting with my jealousy allows me to see my own neglected need to have the value of my work recognized by others. Perhaps on a deeper level I need to value my own work. When we have a genuine sense of pride and accomplishment we are more capable of celebrating the accomplishments of others.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 98
I'm still processing this whole Ph.D. thing, I hope to move on soon, I'm starting to get bored. I keep thinking about something one of my committee members said after they voted to approve my dissertation. He said that now I have to deal with the "impostor syndrome." This was not the first time I heard the phrase.
Some college professors, particularly those who belong to the first generation in their families to be educated, experience this sense that they don't belong in academia. One of my professors mentioned that she sometimes dreams that "they" come to take her degree away.
Once you get the degree you are expected to play a certain role. If you play it well others may not even know that you are playing a role. The truth may even remain hidden from your conscious mind. But it is always lurking there. The truth. You are an impostor.
I guess I decided somewhere along the way that I wasn't willing (or perhaps able) to play this role. There is a price to pay for this forfeiture. But there are also rewards. I don't have to worry about impostor syndrome.
Some college professors, particularly those who belong to the first generation in their families to be educated, experience this sense that they don't belong in academia. One of my professors mentioned that she sometimes dreams that "they" come to take her degree away.
Once you get the degree you are expected to play a certain role. If you play it well others may not even know that you are playing a role. The truth may even remain hidden from your conscious mind. But it is always lurking there. The truth. You are an impostor.
I guess I decided somewhere along the way that I wasn't willing (or perhaps able) to play this role. There is a price to pay for this forfeiture. But there are also rewards. I don't have to worry about impostor syndrome.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Day 97
I finished my dissertation yesterday. Now it's just a matter of completing forms and securing signatures. It is the end of a particular era in my life. I find myself assessing; What was it all about?
I started school with certain expectations. Naturally, I was disappointed. I wanted to be recognized as a teacher. I was already a teacher, other people just didn't seem willing to acknowledge my status. I thought that getting the right degrees would remedy this. What I failed to see is that teaching isn't really valued in our institutions; therefore, people like me, natural teachers are not celebrated. I wanted to be celebrated as a teacher. I wasn't.
There were, however, unexpected rewards along the way. For example, I discovered myself as a writer. I learned to revel in the pleasure of coffee house writing. I demonstrated a level of discipline that I didn't know I was capable of. I found a writing group and developed friendships with people who teach me through their own love of words and stories.
Life has a funny way of taking us where we never intended to go. I am trying to approach the next leg of the journey with detached curiosity, openness and acceptance, keenly aware of the dangers of expectation.
I started school with certain expectations. Naturally, I was disappointed. I wanted to be recognized as a teacher. I was already a teacher, other people just didn't seem willing to acknowledge my status. I thought that getting the right degrees would remedy this. What I failed to see is that teaching isn't really valued in our institutions; therefore, people like me, natural teachers are not celebrated. I wanted to be celebrated as a teacher. I wasn't.
There were, however, unexpected rewards along the way. For example, I discovered myself as a writer. I learned to revel in the pleasure of coffee house writing. I demonstrated a level of discipline that I didn't know I was capable of. I found a writing group and developed friendships with people who teach me through their own love of words and stories.
Life has a funny way of taking us where we never intended to go. I am trying to approach the next leg of the journey with detached curiosity, openness and acceptance, keenly aware of the dangers of expectation.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Day 96
Today is the day I defend my dissertation. I feel surprisingly calm. Somewhere along the way I started to realize that in the whole scheme of things this day is not very important.
As a student, this day is held up above all the rest. It is the day you work for as if it will define you. There is an expectation that this will be a life changing day. Yesterday I was just plain old Debbie Dougan; Today I become Dr. Dougan. What a bunch a BS.
Colleges are monuments to ego. At the individual level degrees serve the ego well. I, however, am not interested in an egoic existence (something I have to be reminded up constantly because the world tells me otherwise). I am not defined by a degree or a title. The essence of who I am will be the same tomorrow as it was yesterday. Knowing that allows me to detach just enough to really be present. It puts the day in a whole new light.
As a student, this day is held up above all the rest. It is the day you work for as if it will define you. There is an expectation that this will be a life changing day. Yesterday I was just plain old Debbie Dougan; Today I become Dr. Dougan. What a bunch a BS.
Colleges are monuments to ego. At the individual level degrees serve the ego well. I, however, am not interested in an egoic existence (something I have to be reminded up constantly because the world tells me otherwise). I am not defined by a degree or a title. The essence of who I am will be the same tomorrow as it was yesterday. Knowing that allows me to detach just enough to really be present. It puts the day in a whole new light.
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