I was considering a bike ride this morning and stuck my head out the door to see what the weather was like. It was raining. I immediately thought, "Oh, I guess I can't go for a bike ride."
A few minutes later I was sitting. I could hear the raindrops hitting the carport, "ping, ping, ping." They sounded less like a warning than an invitation. I imagined the scent of rain rising off of the asphalt and the haze on the horizon and I wanted to be outside.
On my walk I noticed everything looked a little different than before, as if the shower provided a kind of renewal.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 279
The first time I heard someone talk about the "still small voice" I was in a Baptist church in the heart of the Bible Belt. I wasn't sure how any of us were supposed to hear the still small voice beneath the booming speech of the evangelical minister. It took a long time to learn to block out the noise and hear the truth.
A few weeks ago I heard the voice urging me to write, more specifically, to write about a particular circumstance in my life. I dragged my feet and made excuses; I stayed conveniently busy. The voice persisted.
Yesterday I went to the coffee shop where I usually write, got a cup of tea, found a comfortable spot and got out my computer. When it refused to work properly I almost decided to go back home, forget the writing. But the voice persisted.
I took out a piece of paper and started writing long hand. Soon I was completely absorbed in my writing. I was writing and crying, completely unaware of the other shop patrons. As I wrote I could feel the healing effects of the process. I was glad I listened to that still small voice.
Sometimes I like to imagine that the still small voice is the voice of a great universal consciousness, a Divine Love. I like to imagine that it is guiding me toward my highest good, toward a place of healing and wholeness. Perhaps I am not imagining. Perhaps I am remembering.
A few weeks ago I heard the voice urging me to write, more specifically, to write about a particular circumstance in my life. I dragged my feet and made excuses; I stayed conveniently busy. The voice persisted.
Yesterday I went to the coffee shop where I usually write, got a cup of tea, found a comfortable spot and got out my computer. When it refused to work properly I almost decided to go back home, forget the writing. But the voice persisted.
I took out a piece of paper and started writing long hand. Soon I was completely absorbed in my writing. I was writing and crying, completely unaware of the other shop patrons. As I wrote I could feel the healing effects of the process. I was glad I listened to that still small voice.
Sometimes I like to imagine that the still small voice is the voice of a great universal consciousness, a Divine Love. I like to imagine that it is guiding me toward my highest good, toward a place of healing and wholeness. Perhaps I am not imagining. Perhaps I am remembering.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 278
Some days I struggle with motivation and energy. I get up and make a to-do list and immediately feel overwhelmed. I am certain that I cannot possibly accomplish everything on the list.
I have developed this habit of saying to myself, "Just do the next thing." It's amazing how those five little words keep me going as I repeat them to myself over and over again throughout the day.
At the end of the day I often find that I completed everything on my list, one item at a time.
I have developed this habit of saying to myself, "Just do the next thing." It's amazing how those five little words keep me going as I repeat them to myself over and over again throughout the day.
At the end of the day I often find that I completed everything on my list, one item at a time.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day 277
I have had this problem with intrusive thoughts since I was a little girl. Like obstinate party-crashers they push their way in and refuse to leave. Sometimes they take root and become full-blown obsessions. I wrestle and plead with them to no avail. In frustration I sometimes give in and let them take ownership of my mind and rule my actions.
At one point I decided to take anti-anxiolytic medication to control these intrusive thoughts. When I started taking the pills I was not confident that they would be any match for my unwanted guests. Then one day I realized that they were gone. They had simply moved on. I was free. After a few years I gave up the pills and to my amazement my mind remained relatively clear and unbound.
I was free from the obsessive thoughts for a number of years until recently. I now find myself being taken hostage again. I have decided on a new strategy. First, when I find myself entertaining intrusive thoughts I will stop and take 10 deep breaths counting and focusing on each one. Second, I will not act on these thoughts for at least 1 week; at which point I will rationally reconsideration whether or not to act.
This plan has a few advantages over pills: it is free, all natural and has almost no side effects.
At one point I decided to take anti-anxiolytic medication to control these intrusive thoughts. When I started taking the pills I was not confident that they would be any match for my unwanted guests. Then one day I realized that they were gone. They had simply moved on. I was free. After a few years I gave up the pills and to my amazement my mind remained relatively clear and unbound.
I was free from the obsessive thoughts for a number of years until recently. I now find myself being taken hostage again. I have decided on a new strategy. First, when I find myself entertaining intrusive thoughts I will stop and take 10 deep breaths counting and focusing on each one. Second, I will not act on these thoughts for at least 1 week; at which point I will rationally reconsideration whether or not to act.
This plan has a few advantages over pills: it is free, all natural and has almost no side effects.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 276
I have been more relaxed today than I can remember being in a very long time. Bill and I spent a lot of time and exerted a lot of effort this week on reorganizing and redecorating. I suppose there are a couple of reasons that I took such pleasure in the results.
First, I appreciate the sense of accomplishment that comes from making do with what we have. We didn't go out a buy new furniture or artwork, not even so much as a new wastepaper basket. We refashioned the old stuff, cleaned it up and shuffled it around. Like birds we weaved our nest from the objects available to us. It reminds me of when as a kid I used to make a clubhouse with my friends, furnishing it with discarded objects from our various homes. There was magic in the way we were able to create a sense of place from shabby rejects. It is a gift to suddenly see old things in new ways.
Not only did we transform our old belongings we also found a place for everything and put everything in its place. This had a tranquilizing effect on me (as it would for any good obsessive-compulsive). I suppose that as someone who does not always feel certain that I will find my place in the world or even that I have a place in the world, there is comfort in knowing that at least the CDs and books are tucked safely away.
First, I appreciate the sense of accomplishment that comes from making do with what we have. We didn't go out a buy new furniture or artwork, not even so much as a new wastepaper basket. We refashioned the old stuff, cleaned it up and shuffled it around. Like birds we weaved our nest from the objects available to us. It reminds me of when as a kid I used to make a clubhouse with my friends, furnishing it with discarded objects from our various homes. There was magic in the way we were able to create a sense of place from shabby rejects. It is a gift to suddenly see old things in new ways.
Not only did we transform our old belongings we also found a place for everything and put everything in its place. This had a tranquilizing effect on me (as it would for any good obsessive-compulsive). I suppose that as someone who does not always feel certain that I will find my place in the world or even that I have a place in the world, there is comfort in knowing that at least the CDs and books are tucked safely away.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day 275
Bill and I spent the day moving furniture and cleaning and organizing. At the end of the day it felt like a whole new house. Housework is so therapeutic. I can hardly wait to tackle the closets.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Day 274
Lately I've had something on my mind that I haven't wanted to share with anyone. It's not a secret as much as a personal heartache that feels too fragile to expose. It is as solid as a stone in my chest but I don't know how to begin to describe it.
My normal course of action is to put it out there for everyone to see and comment on. This time I feel the need for privacy. I want to take that stone out in private and turn it over and feel its weight and touch its smooth sides and ragged edges.
I don't want to know what anyone else thinks. I want to distill my own thoughts down to a sweet syrup of pure truth. I want to channel the story of how this pain came to be and write it down just for me.
My normal course of action is to put it out there for everyone to see and comment on. This time I feel the need for privacy. I want to take that stone out in private and turn it over and feel its weight and touch its smooth sides and ragged edges.
I don't want to know what anyone else thinks. I want to distill my own thoughts down to a sweet syrup of pure truth. I want to channel the story of how this pain came to be and write it down just for me.
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